Deep Breath and Hold

When I had my first meeting with my radiation oncologist, he explained the process of lying flat on a table. They carefully center the radiation beam over two specific sites on my breast all the while steering clear of my heart and lungs … gratefully. When prompted, I would be told over the microphone by the technician, “Deep breath and hold.” This would happen a couple of times, and within 10 minutes I’d be done. Easy peasy right? Not so much when I found out I’d have to hold that deep breath for 30 to 45 seconds. I went home and practiced with my kids at our kitchen island. Having been a swimmer as a child and a runner on the cross country team in high school, I thought I got this. I trained for deep breaths. Then I remembered that was over 30 years ago, and I now had the lung capacity of a mouse, maybe a fly. But what I did still have was my mindset. It just needed adjusting, as my Dad used to tell us and I now tell my kids. “You just need to change your thinking!” Cue rolled eyes. All kidding aside, I do think I’m pretty good at setting my mind to something and doing it. So I began the work of taking deep breaths in and holding. I did it while driving, I did it while making dinner (or rather, ordering from Door Dash). I was training again for what I trumped up in my mind as one more scary part of the radiation process. 

Holding my breath has not always been a good thing. I can remember many years ago talking to a therapist and being told, “Ashley, breathe. Are you aware you are holding your breath?” Of course I wasn’t. It was like I was bracing or steeling myself for a hard conversation. In this case, restricting myself from oxygen was not part of the healing process. My heart and lungs needed to feel it and receive it fully. Breathing is critical for both our physical and mental health. It’s just something I forget to do in times of stress. 

Now that radiation is over and I’m back to the day to day of living, I’m trying to plug back into my personal growth both mentally and physically. My morning walks with Lucy are much longer. I have added meditation podcasts into my walks. This morning, I was told to take five deep breaths and hold. Let the oxygen flow over my heart and lungs as I inhale. As I exhaled, I released the negative thoughts. I released my tension and worry. I thought back to my time on the radiation table and realized that such a scary process put me back in touch with my breath. It was a good reminder that holding your breath can be a good thing, as long as you release it and let go of whatever else you are stealing yourself from too. 

Today, I’m encouraging you to take that deep breath in and hold. But also let it go. Life is stressful. You may be holding your breath to protect yourself from something hard or to avoid getting your heart hurt. Either case, after holding just be sure to move the air in and let it wash over your heart and lungs and know that like air, this too shall pass.

Oh By the Way, here are a few of my favorite podcasts and other things I listen to on my walks to encourage my breathing and mental health.